gah.

i skipped class this morning but just slept the whole time.

it rained today... but stopped after like 1 minute.

i hate being ditched.



i don't have enough to say to write a real blog.

maybe tomorrow will be better.

i hate myself sometimes.

my procrastination is killing me.

unstoppable.

true, i'm probably overreacting. but that review was definitely the confidence boost that i needed. 14 straight hours was actually worth something. and i know what i need to work on...

i'm beginning to think i actually may be able to do this. =]

unproductive weekend.

i just had opened an espresso escape ghiradelli dark chocolate and it turned out to be mint bliss. i think it might have made my day.

at full speed.

so i feel like i've been posting too many depressing blogs that don't really represent how i feel all the time. i just don't usually blog out of happiness haha. but just to prove i'm not really on the verge of suicide i'll talk about what i actually like (gasp) about school.

i've found a part of architecture that i really enjoy - drafting. lame, i know. but it feels so good to take my terribly put together model and make it look really professional just by drafting it. its a great blend of creativity - its still my ideas and i get to physically draw - but at the same time its extremely mathematical - its kind of hard to mess it up as long as you don't measure wrong. and i have to agree with my professor, it is somewhat therapeutic. the only thing that sucks is that it is completely outdated. no one hand drafts, its all on the computer. but i havent tried that yet, maybe i'll like it too.

talking to julianne, my second year architecture suitemate, about everything was really cool. it was nice to hear that i'm not insane for my multitude of doubts about my major and everything.

every day i have a different opinion of architecture here. but i'm positive i'm going to stick with it for at least this whole year. if i stop any sooner i'll always wonder whether it would have gotten better. i don't think i have ever been challenged like this. nothing at oxford could have even remotely prepared me for what i was getting into. but i didn't really think about what this was actually doing to me (besides the massive stress) until vincent told me i'd changed.

it's taken me awhile but i realize i really have changed. in high school i had gotten so close to my friends that i couldn't do anything without them. if i had to spend a weekend alone i was miserable thinking about why i was left out. but now i have a schedule that just doesn't fit with my roommate and suitemates. isha and solome both have fridays off, and i have wednesdays (and i'm usually in studio the whole time anyway). and the architecture people, well i just haven't found anyone that i really click with. but the point of this isn't for me to complain. i am so much more independent now, first out of necessity but now more just by choice. i actually enjoy the meals that i eat alone and there is something really satisfying about walking around campus just listening to my ipod.

i used to come back to my room and grab some book to read so i would look like i had a reason for sitting at parkside alone, but now i can just enjoy my food without the protective armor. i think i really realized i'm finally learning how to take care of myself the night i didn't call anyone sobbing at 3 am because i was just finishing my crappy project. i decided then that i just didn't want to wake up anyone, but i think i needed to be able to pick up my pieces alone for once. and i'm really glad i did.

i still miss everybody a lot, i'm not planning on running off and turning into a hermit or anything but i think i its good for me to stop defining myself just through other's eyes.

if i told you this was killing me, would you, would you stop?

this is not healthy.