official.

haha i feel like carmen posting more than one blog in a night. but i'm super excited because we officially have tickets to go to new york! i really thought it was going to be one of those things you talk about and really want to do, but then it never happens. but in exactly 2 weeks i'm going to be there.

i feel so grown up! =]

reality.

i am a very caring person (contrary to popular belief). but i'm not sure this always comes across the way i want it to. especially with my family. my parents are the people i rely on to be there for me. i expect them to be constants in my life. sometimes i forget that they are people too, in a way. i just don't know what to do when the roles are reversed and i am the one that has to be strong. and i know this is where a lot of me and my mom's problems come from.
but i have come to expect this from my mom and i'm trying to get better with dealing with it. what i really didn't know how to handle was when my dad was the weak one. to be honest i did not even want to go over to see him the day he came home. not because i didn't care, but because i didn't know how to show it. watching my dad all doped up on pain meds struggling to stand up from the couch was shocking. i don't even know how to process something like that. in that moment i realized that eventually i was going to have to become the caretaker for them. and that fact alone scares the crap out of me.

strange.

why is it that i cannot bring myself to let the people in that really want to know things about me while i feel the need to tell every unimportant detail to people who don't particularly care?
i don't know what to rely on anymore.

disneyland.

i don't think i've ever had so much fun acting like a total fool. from screaming for sleeping beauty like a tourist to be our guest (with full choreography) in line for pirates to hearing GEMMMMM SWEATERRRR echo through the parking lot... wow. and even though we totally crashed at thanh's party after, it was definitely worth the day completely free of any school related drama. thanks shawna and jillian =]

i can't think of a good title.

so formal was yesterday. it definitely had its ups and downs. pretty much everything that could have gone wrong did, but then were still some really fun (and classy) moments. when i was on the verge of a breakdown i realized something. i could just sit there and let everything bad ruin my night, or i could make myself have fun. (haha that kind of reminds me of the coffee bean story the hodges sub told us...) but i figured out i'm not always going to just be happy, sometimes i have to force the happiness until it is real. i can't be bitter forever. but that also means i might have to step up and actually face some of the things that bother me most...

rain.

wow i love the rain. seriously i think it helps me think better. i've cleared up a lot of things that i had just buried until now. me and carmen's roadside talk was pretty much amazing. hopefully something will result from it besides our decision that the world is filled with paradoxes. here are just a few: sometimes you have to break someone's heart to make things better, the most selfish thing can also be the most selfless, and stopping change is a change in itself.

i have to say i feel really good about things right now. maybe it's just that i finally got the candy cane that i had been craving for all of winter break. but i'm starting to think maybe this really is the start of a new year.
=]

2008.

so its finally 2008. its been two whole days and it still hasnt hit me. it doesn't feel like this is the year my entire life is going to change. my first breath of 2008 did not taste any different. our new years resolutions sounded like every other time i've told myself to stop being bitter or have moments of pure happiness or live every last second to the fullest. true, raghav's "to seniors" definitely got to me, but overall it was just another night. it was definitely a great night, but similar to any other great night i've ever had. i guess maybe nothing will feel different until i'm going to sleep in a dorm room somewhere... and maybe that's good. because i don't know if i'm truly ready for that much change.