my new twin (xl) sized bed.

it's been exactly a month since i started college. and there are so many things i love. i love my suitemates. i honestly don't think i could have been any luckier in finding a group of awesomely awkward people who get along (almost) perfectly. even if it means i lose a bit more sleep or get less work done than i wanted, it's worth it. my classes are pretty good, i love that i no longer feel guilty staying up past midnight because i don't have class before 9:30. i love eating my own food and not worrying the ben and jerry's will be gone when i come home tomorrow. i love all the cool stuff that always seems to be happening and all the free shirts. i love just walking around campus and finding some spot i've never been to before. i even like doing my own laundry here (except when the machines eat your money).

but to be honest i didn't write this to talk about all the good things. people keep misinterpreting what i am saying and i just need a chance to vent. i've been annoyingly emotional since i've come to usc and i'm kind of sick of it haha.

i hate architecture. i hate that everyone just writes architecture majors off as the kids they don't haveto talk to because they will just "disappear." i hate the fact that it can take something i am sincerely interested in but put it into the most stressful parameters. i hate the fact that it is interesting enough that i can't jsut quit. they basically just throw us out of the plane and we have to figure out how to work the parachute midair. they judge us on a daily basis. we are told to not take the judgement personal, but it is so much harder when its your photography or drawing instead of a math problem. i go from the high of getting an A on my test to the low of having my TA look at me and say "really?" when i turn a project in. but most of all i think it's hard for me to adjust to not being the best. this sounds bitchy, but whatever. school has always been my thing, and now i'm just extremely mediocre (at best). but i know i'm going to stick it out for the semester, and probably the year as well. we haven't even really done anything architecture related so i'm hoping it will have to get better.

but besides just school being stressful, i think it actually kind of sucks being this close to home. the short distance convinced me that it would be easy to cross back and forth between my exciting new life and my comfortable old one. i expected to miss jillian and carmen and shanell. but the giant chasm between everyone still at home blindsided me. (and i honestly see jillian through facebook video than i do a lot of the people) in a way, i still feel "there" because i could be in about 30 minutes. but to everyone else, it doesn't matter the distance - i belong in the category of "gone." i've become hypersensitive of every exclusion, down to my roommates eating lunch while i'm at work, forcing me to eat alone. it's not fair to them and it's not fair to me, but i've always been good at punishing myself and i can't expect this to be different. being alone i think is just part of the college experience, and i can accept that. it's hard for me to cut all my ties and not have something to fall back on.

so i guess college has exceeded my expectations in many ways, but let me down in a lot of others. the purpose of this was not to place blame on anyone, just to explain my crazy train of thought.