conclusions from a three day weekend.

music videos can make you cry.

rock band has invaded my brain.

hormones suck.

music should not be played backwards.

brain teasers are evil... and somewhat phallic.

mad gab is way too entertaining.

if you want to feel better about yourself now, watch a video of yourself in freshman year.

jason mraz knows how to rip my heart out.

ironman made me feel like a little kid again.

having exact change for slurpees is a bit depressing but not enough to stop me.

i like in-n-out more than i thought i did.

indiana jones was a big let down.

portfolios are actually kind of cool when they are done.

college is REALLY soon.

conversations never work out as well in real life as they do in my head.

i want to be a better person.

i need to post some happier blogs.

letters.

dear ______,
i sincerely miss you. i know i have screwed things up, let other people's opinions become my own and i'm sorry for that. but i'm trying to change that. i hate not having someone to talk to. i want to try to tell you everything, but i don't even know where to start. because like it or not, there are things i cannot tell you. but my stuff is so wrapped up in that stuff that i cannot separate the two. and i was kind of hurt by the fact i was replaced. i guess i didn't leave you with much of a choice, but it still hurts.

dear _______,
man just when i thought things were getting back to normal, you throw me for another loop. i have no clue where i stand with you and i feel like now i have to always be somewhat on edge. if you could just be honest, completely brutally honest, it would really help. i want to be your friend, but you need to be happy too. i worry that you don't give your own feelings enough credit.

dear _____,
what happened? i thought we were friends but apparently i am replaceable when things don't work out perfect. i get a really weird feeling from you. i don't know what it is but something is just not totally right.

dear _______,
i don't know quite what to make of you. sometimes i think we are really good friends and sometimes i get the feeling you really don't want to be around me. i really want to be able to tell you stuff, but it's so complicated. and i feel like i shouldn't bother you with it because you have more important things to worry about. but i'm really going to miss you.

dear ________,
you worry me. you have to know that there are a lot of people who care about you. but it seems like you keep going after the wrong things. i want to be friends with you, even if i don't show it sometimes.

dear ________,
open up! i want to help you because you shouldn't keep everything bottled up. i think we could have a better friendship than we do.


well, i could go on but i really want to read some more charlotte simmons.
and yes, i am ranting. if you don't like it you can suck it. =]

i'm laughing because i hope he's wrong.

the combination of this weather and my lack of school makes it feel like summer. but no, i have to go back to school tomorrow.

this extended weekend has been very fun. refugio was amazing as always. but in some ways it seemed a little weird. like we're too old to go run around in the bushes like we used to but then we aren't old enough to party it up with the family either. but laying on the beach looking at the stars has to be one of my favorite feelings. i just wanted to be swallowed up in the calm. but with all this peace and quiet left me a lot of time to think. something i'd rather not be doing to be honest. but i realized i'm going to have to be a much stronger person than i have been. i'm going to have to take care of myself because i'm going to college and who knows who i can trust. (the large chunk of charlotte simmons i read also influenced this) but then again i don't think i can only care about myself. as i've said before i depend a great deal on other people. i think the hurt i experience along the way is worth the even momentary happiness. people are all that really matter and i usually can find the bit of good to make it worthwhile.

saturday was absolutely insane... i'm surprised i made it through the whole day. from going to bed at 2 to waking up at 7 for a 2 1/2 hour drive (which has almost completely turned "iddin gibbon" to "ending given"... i think i need a new cd) then to actual prom. prom was good minus my inability to breathe from both my dress and the unbearable heat on the dance floor. then of course the after after after after after after after after parties (yes, eight in total) with everything from rock band and slurpees to finally seeing baby mama (which was very cute but scared me just a bit at the same time)

and now... back to school. thank god for late start.

i finally finished blind assassin.

500 pages later. at least now i can enjoy my long weekend. =]

it was slow but a lot better than i expected.



"Happiness is a garden walled with glass: there's no way in or out. In Paradise there are no stories, because there are no journeys. It's loss and regret and misery and yearning that drive the story forward, along its twisted road."

upbeat, isn't it?

i want to be someone's person.

i've finally realized that i base my opinion of myself greatly upon the opinion of others (probably a little too much). not so much the opinons of everyone as a whole, more what my close friends think. specifically, how they see me as a friend. i have a need to be needed. i want to be an important part of their lives, not just an afterthought.

the most important thing in my life in my relationships with other people: friends, family, whatever. but i want to care about people who care about me.

maybe i need to get my priorities straight.

am i really in the wrong here?

people say i need to do what is going to make me happy, and i really do knowing my tendencies to be ever so slightly bitter. but it isn't fair that you are going to put all this disappointment and even hatred on me. in an ultimatum situation, of course i would choose you. but i am too practical to believe this is even close to reality.
so i give up trying to make you see my perspective. please don't hate me.

sometimes i hate driving home.

this usually happens when i have had my cd on repeat for awhile and am no longer engaged in the music, which leaves me just to think. or more correctly, overanalyze. i do not just think about things i have done that day but i break down every stupid thing i might have said or done. its excessive and quite annoying. i'm pretty sure no one even noticed that i made some lame comment or i didn't say goodbye to someone. but i am consumed by every little flaw. i blow insignificant details into massive worries when they build on top of each other.

wow, i'm a little disgusted with myself right now. i really need to learn how to stop... i think i just care too much about the wrong things.