let's run away together.

i'm not ready to face the next week.

confusion.

i just spent a weekend reading watchmen, feeling possibly the most like a preteen boy as i ever have (with the exception of iron man), then last night i stayed up until 4:30 reading new moon, feeling the most like a preteen girl in a long time. And all of this when i have over 15 drawings to do, plus everything for my other classes. what the hell is wrong with me?

she needs to sort out her priorities.

anyone who gets that reference just made my day.

so i really should be working right now. it's a little ridiculous how much stuff i'm going to have to do tonight. but i'd pretty much rather be doing anything else.

i'm still a little surprised at myself that i went to daniel's last night. that i drove all the way home and didn't come back until 5 am when i knew i had a ton of stuff to do. i used to always do my homework first, made sure i went to bed at a decent hour, and if there was extra time i would hang out with my friends. but now that has completely changed. i will basically hang out with people no matter what, i even watch youtube videos for an entire day instead of hauling my ass to studio. i feel like senioritis is setting in a year late.

so i end up staying later and gettting less done. but at the same time i don't really mind, because i feel like people matter more than another site model. i can't decide if i'm losing sight of what i should be doing or i'm finally figuring it out.

gah.

i skipped class this morning but just slept the whole time.

it rained today... but stopped after like 1 minute.

i hate being ditched.



i don't have enough to say to write a real blog.

maybe tomorrow will be better.

i hate myself sometimes.

my procrastination is killing me.

unstoppable.

true, i'm probably overreacting. but that review was definitely the confidence boost that i needed. 14 straight hours was actually worth something. and i know what i need to work on...

i'm beginning to think i actually may be able to do this. =]

unproductive weekend.

i just had opened an espresso escape ghiradelli dark chocolate and it turned out to be mint bliss. i think it might have made my day.

at full speed.

so i feel like i've been posting too many depressing blogs that don't really represent how i feel all the time. i just don't usually blog out of happiness haha. but just to prove i'm not really on the verge of suicide i'll talk about what i actually like (gasp) about school.

i've found a part of architecture that i really enjoy - drafting. lame, i know. but it feels so good to take my terribly put together model and make it look really professional just by drafting it. its a great blend of creativity - its still my ideas and i get to physically draw - but at the same time its extremely mathematical - its kind of hard to mess it up as long as you don't measure wrong. and i have to agree with my professor, it is somewhat therapeutic. the only thing that sucks is that it is completely outdated. no one hand drafts, its all on the computer. but i havent tried that yet, maybe i'll like it too.

talking to julianne, my second year architecture suitemate, about everything was really cool. it was nice to hear that i'm not insane for my multitude of doubts about my major and everything.

every day i have a different opinion of architecture here. but i'm positive i'm going to stick with it for at least this whole year. if i stop any sooner i'll always wonder whether it would have gotten better. i don't think i have ever been challenged like this. nothing at oxford could have even remotely prepared me for what i was getting into. but i didn't really think about what this was actually doing to me (besides the massive stress) until vincent told me i'd changed.

it's taken me awhile but i realize i really have changed. in high school i had gotten so close to my friends that i couldn't do anything without them. if i had to spend a weekend alone i was miserable thinking about why i was left out. but now i have a schedule that just doesn't fit with my roommate and suitemates. isha and solome both have fridays off, and i have wednesdays (and i'm usually in studio the whole time anyway). and the architecture people, well i just haven't found anyone that i really click with. but the point of this isn't for me to complain. i am so much more independent now, first out of necessity but now more just by choice. i actually enjoy the meals that i eat alone and there is something really satisfying about walking around campus just listening to my ipod.

i used to come back to my room and grab some book to read so i would look like i had a reason for sitting at parkside alone, but now i can just enjoy my food without the protective armor. i think i really realized i'm finally learning how to take care of myself the night i didn't call anyone sobbing at 3 am because i was just finishing my crappy project. i decided then that i just didn't want to wake up anyone, but i think i needed to be able to pick up my pieces alone for once. and i'm really glad i did.

i still miss everybody a lot, i'm not planning on running off and turning into a hermit or anything but i think i its good for me to stop defining myself just through other's eyes.

if i told you this was killing me, would you, would you stop?

this is not healthy.

my new twin (xl) sized bed.

it's been exactly a month since i started college. and there are so many things i love. i love my suitemates. i honestly don't think i could have been any luckier in finding a group of awesomely awkward people who get along (almost) perfectly. even if it means i lose a bit more sleep or get less work done than i wanted, it's worth it. my classes are pretty good, i love that i no longer feel guilty staying up past midnight because i don't have class before 9:30. i love eating my own food and not worrying the ben and jerry's will be gone when i come home tomorrow. i love all the cool stuff that always seems to be happening and all the free shirts. i love just walking around campus and finding some spot i've never been to before. i even like doing my own laundry here (except when the machines eat your money).

but to be honest i didn't write this to talk about all the good things. people keep misinterpreting what i am saying and i just need a chance to vent. i've been annoyingly emotional since i've come to usc and i'm kind of sick of it haha.

i hate architecture. i hate that everyone just writes architecture majors off as the kids they don't haveto talk to because they will just "disappear." i hate the fact that it can take something i am sincerely interested in but put it into the most stressful parameters. i hate the fact that it is interesting enough that i can't jsut quit. they basically just throw us out of the plane and we have to figure out how to work the parachute midair. they judge us on a daily basis. we are told to not take the judgement personal, but it is so much harder when its your photography or drawing instead of a math problem. i go from the high of getting an A on my test to the low of having my TA look at me and say "really?" when i turn a project in. but most of all i think it's hard for me to adjust to not being the best. this sounds bitchy, but whatever. school has always been my thing, and now i'm just extremely mediocre (at best). but i know i'm going to stick it out for the semester, and probably the year as well. we haven't even really done anything architecture related so i'm hoping it will have to get better.

but besides just school being stressful, i think it actually kind of sucks being this close to home. the short distance convinced me that it would be easy to cross back and forth between my exciting new life and my comfortable old one. i expected to miss jillian and carmen and shanell. but the giant chasm between everyone still at home blindsided me. (and i honestly see jillian through facebook video than i do a lot of the people) in a way, i still feel "there" because i could be in about 30 minutes. but to everyone else, it doesn't matter the distance - i belong in the category of "gone." i've become hypersensitive of every exclusion, down to my roommates eating lunch while i'm at work, forcing me to eat alone. it's not fair to them and it's not fair to me, but i've always been good at punishing myself and i can't expect this to be different. being alone i think is just part of the college experience, and i can accept that. it's hard for me to cut all my ties and not have something to fall back on.

so i guess college has exceeded my expectations in many ways, but let me down in a lot of others. the purpose of this was not to place blame on anyone, just to explain my crazy train of thought.

i'll keep it short this time.

today was a great way to begin the goodbyes. shapey macaroni and cheese, cookie dough, frozen capri suns, faux cherry chocolate bordeaux ice cream, and of course plenty of movies. and then hardcore packing/cleaning to end the day.
awesome.

5 days.

i know it may not seem like its going to be a big change for me, because i'm not really GOING anywhere... but i can't help but think come august 20th, everything is going to change. and i haven't really worked out how much of that i think is good and how much i think is bad.

i have thought about posting multiple blogs. i even made a list of all the things i wanted to talk about, from my bathroom to harry potter. but for some reason i seem to spend more time being sad that i'm sitting at home than doing something productive with my time. i need to get over that though, so here goes...


last weekend i had a garage sale. i thought it would be a great way for me to get a bunch of extra money, last time we had one my mom made at least $300. i even went down the the city of cypress to get the stupid permit. saturday came and we were all set up by about 7:45. true, it was not a large selection, but i had a good amount of clothes (my four bags of buffalo exchange rejects), my mom brought out her giant home entertainment center, and we even had the clear case that used to house my beanie babies.

as a very slow trickle of people came by, i was informed by my mom that we missed the hardcore garage sale crowd by not starting early enough. apparently these bargain hunters must be back to their homes before the sun even rises. so i grabbed my harry potter and settled in on the couch currently being stored in the garage, which has turned into a nice home for my ancient cat.

by about 10:30 my mom decided that there was not enough business to warrant her presence, so she went upstairs and left me to sell to people. i was ok with this, it really was very slow. i only had problems when people actually showed up and wanted to bargain. i didn't know what to charge for anything and my uneasiness was written all over my face. it wasn't so much worried that i wouldn't charge enough, more that i would say too much and they wouldn't buy anything.

so as the day dragged along, i felt intensely judged and picked over by complete strangers. then this guy rode up on his bike wearing slightly too tight jeans and a ponytail. for some reason he struck me as someone i wanted to talk to, he was very different from the other people who had stopped by. i told him i was selling my unneeded stuff as i was getting ready to go to college. he told me about his cousin who was heading off to penn state (i found that slightly weird). then he told me he was really looking for a pair of pants and i showed him the maybe 5 pairs i had. i felt a twinge of pity when he held up my blue uniform pair but that was erased when he told me they looked way too big for him. he walked around some more but ended up buying them, out of what i figured had to be desperation.

i settled back into my book until about a half an hour later when he showed up again. he asked me if i had any socks for sale. that he hadn't been able to get over to his friends house to do laundry and he just really needed some. i had a swell of compassion and ran upstairs to grab a couple of pairs i didn't really wear anymore. he asked me how much they were and i just froze. i struggled with not wanting to overcharge. i told him a quarter for the two pairs he had picked out. he rummaged around in his backpack and came up with 22 cents. i took it and almost instantly wished i had charged less or maybe given him the other pairs as well. its not like i was really trying to make a big profit off of this guy, i was just too nervous with the pricing thing. i sat out there for the rest of the day, somewhat hoping he would come back so i could make it up.

but the day ended and sunday came and went with surprisingly even less business. i kept thinking about that guy and how i am basically incapable of helping people. i refuse to make eye contact with the homeless who sit by freeway exits, but then start tearing up as i drive away. i made fun of my stepmom for throwing money out the window at a paraplegic hobo but i knew her heart was in the right place. i want to do the right thing but i want to find my own way of doing it. unfortunately i don't come up with my way until it's too late.

so in the end, i only made $75 and i had to sit there thinking about how stupid i am for two whole days, but i did get to finish 3 harry potter books =]



by the way, i apologize for the length. i think i make up for the lack of entries by just writing too much in each one.

nothing about the american apparel sale was fun.

from waking up at 6:45, paying $60 for gas in a car i won't be driving, driving to la, standing in line for 3 1/2 hours, feeling majorly out of place and nearly invisible, picking through endless boxes of mostly ripped or defective clothing, to the unbearable heat, nausea, and lack of hydration.

but somehow as i was driving home in desperate need of a shower and some sleep, i was happy. i got home and i could not resist the urge to try all of my clothes despite my grunginess. (i figured i would need to wash all of these clothes anyway after seeing the strange stains on some of the clothes i didn't buy) knowing that i bought these clothes at over 60% off and in a state of near delirium i figured not everything would be awesome. my grey jacket is slightly too small, and has some unexplanable mismatched fabric trims. the stripes on my cardigan do not line up correctly. (i'm still not sure if this is intentional or not) my bedroom light was exposing all the flaws i had overlooked in the blazing sun and the feeling i had was wearing off. i was beginning to seriously doubt the day's success.

i finally reached my last purchase, a goldenrod yellow hoodie two sizes too big. there was nothing really great about it; it didn't have the trademark incredibly soft inside, it didn't make my boobs look big or my waist look small, my mother has even told me that color makes my skin look sickly. but i had to have it. and that is one purchase that i don't regret in the slightest. just like my purple jacket reminds me of carmen, shawna, and our awesome concert night, this one reminds me of the fun moments we did have playing the harry potter version of the first and last letter game and the immense relief of a giant sierra mist at farmer boys. and something about it just makes me feel good. it was strange because it reminded me of usc (with the color) but also of all my friends now.

after i took a good long shower (planning this blog in my head... yeah, unfortunately i do that) and crawled into bed completely exhausted, i felt it all was completely worth it.

i need to post a blog.

it has been nearly a month (sorry jillian)... i have had tons of ideas of what to write run through my head, i was going to write a blog about going to budapest and prague, but then i found out how eerily similar it would be to michaels, just not worded as well. i even thought out some of it while i was gone, but when i got home apathy took over.

i think i've been wanting to wait until i have this amazing summer post. i need some great adventure to prove that this is the greatest summer of my life. when we were at anaoshak's and ramon said "i think summer is officially over" i got really sad because of how true it felt. instead of road trips and beaches i've had futurama and brawl. the most "rebellious" thing i've done probably wouldn't make anyone else think twice. but when it comes down to it i've had fun so far this summer. there is still plenty of time to go to six flags and take a train somewhere. and if i don't end up doing everything on my list, its alright with me. what matters is i've been spending time with some of my best friends. and if i get to spend time with all the people i care about (usually the biggest problem of summer) i'll be happy.

wow.

we graduate today. i think the world has to end after because i cannot imagine a date past june 16, 2008.


i think my inability to cartwheel is a metaphor for my life. but i definitely do not have the energy to delve into that right now.

ugh.

reading all of your yearbook entries at one time is not a good idea. and throwing the choir pop show into the mix only makes it worse.

i was reading carmen's blog and i totally know what she is talking about. i want to remember every single detail of these last couple days. (i think that might explain why i care so much about yearbook entries...that and my constant need for reassurance that people care haha) but the problem for me senior sunset WAS forgettable. what i want to remember is the obscenly long time we spent taking pictures on jessicas macbook, playing mario kart until i get baby daisy dammit, getting slurpees even though they took all the good flavors away from ours, nub fighting and all the other gross things we do on a daily basis, the random little things most people don't even know they do or say. so how do i keep my meticulous record of those things?

conclusions from a three day weekend.

music videos can make you cry.

rock band has invaded my brain.

hormones suck.

music should not be played backwards.

brain teasers are evil... and somewhat phallic.

mad gab is way too entertaining.

if you want to feel better about yourself now, watch a video of yourself in freshman year.

jason mraz knows how to rip my heart out.

ironman made me feel like a little kid again.

having exact change for slurpees is a bit depressing but not enough to stop me.

i like in-n-out more than i thought i did.

indiana jones was a big let down.

portfolios are actually kind of cool when they are done.

college is REALLY soon.

conversations never work out as well in real life as they do in my head.

i want to be a better person.

i need to post some happier blogs.

letters.

dear ______,
i sincerely miss you. i know i have screwed things up, let other people's opinions become my own and i'm sorry for that. but i'm trying to change that. i hate not having someone to talk to. i want to try to tell you everything, but i don't even know where to start. because like it or not, there are things i cannot tell you. but my stuff is so wrapped up in that stuff that i cannot separate the two. and i was kind of hurt by the fact i was replaced. i guess i didn't leave you with much of a choice, but it still hurts.

dear _______,
man just when i thought things were getting back to normal, you throw me for another loop. i have no clue where i stand with you and i feel like now i have to always be somewhat on edge. if you could just be honest, completely brutally honest, it would really help. i want to be your friend, but you need to be happy too. i worry that you don't give your own feelings enough credit.

dear _____,
what happened? i thought we were friends but apparently i am replaceable when things don't work out perfect. i get a really weird feeling from you. i don't know what it is but something is just not totally right.

dear _______,
i don't know quite what to make of you. sometimes i think we are really good friends and sometimes i get the feeling you really don't want to be around me. i really want to be able to tell you stuff, but it's so complicated. and i feel like i shouldn't bother you with it because you have more important things to worry about. but i'm really going to miss you.

dear ________,
you worry me. you have to know that there are a lot of people who care about you. but it seems like you keep going after the wrong things. i want to be friends with you, even if i don't show it sometimes.

dear ________,
open up! i want to help you because you shouldn't keep everything bottled up. i think we could have a better friendship than we do.


well, i could go on but i really want to read some more charlotte simmons.
and yes, i am ranting. if you don't like it you can suck it. =]

i'm laughing because i hope he's wrong.

the combination of this weather and my lack of school makes it feel like summer. but no, i have to go back to school tomorrow.

this extended weekend has been very fun. refugio was amazing as always. but in some ways it seemed a little weird. like we're too old to go run around in the bushes like we used to but then we aren't old enough to party it up with the family either. but laying on the beach looking at the stars has to be one of my favorite feelings. i just wanted to be swallowed up in the calm. but with all this peace and quiet left me a lot of time to think. something i'd rather not be doing to be honest. but i realized i'm going to have to be a much stronger person than i have been. i'm going to have to take care of myself because i'm going to college and who knows who i can trust. (the large chunk of charlotte simmons i read also influenced this) but then again i don't think i can only care about myself. as i've said before i depend a great deal on other people. i think the hurt i experience along the way is worth the even momentary happiness. people are all that really matter and i usually can find the bit of good to make it worthwhile.

saturday was absolutely insane... i'm surprised i made it through the whole day. from going to bed at 2 to waking up at 7 for a 2 1/2 hour drive (which has almost completely turned "iddin gibbon" to "ending given"... i think i need a new cd) then to actual prom. prom was good minus my inability to breathe from both my dress and the unbearable heat on the dance floor. then of course the after after after after after after after after parties (yes, eight in total) with everything from rock band and slurpees to finally seeing baby mama (which was very cute but scared me just a bit at the same time)

and now... back to school. thank god for late start.

i finally finished blind assassin.

500 pages later. at least now i can enjoy my long weekend. =]

it was slow but a lot better than i expected.



"Happiness is a garden walled with glass: there's no way in or out. In Paradise there are no stories, because there are no journeys. It's loss and regret and misery and yearning that drive the story forward, along its twisted road."

upbeat, isn't it?

i want to be someone's person.

i've finally realized that i base my opinion of myself greatly upon the opinion of others (probably a little too much). not so much the opinons of everyone as a whole, more what my close friends think. specifically, how they see me as a friend. i have a need to be needed. i want to be an important part of their lives, not just an afterthought.

the most important thing in my life in my relationships with other people: friends, family, whatever. but i want to care about people who care about me.

maybe i need to get my priorities straight.

am i really in the wrong here?

people say i need to do what is going to make me happy, and i really do knowing my tendencies to be ever so slightly bitter. but it isn't fair that you are going to put all this disappointment and even hatred on me. in an ultimatum situation, of course i would choose you. but i am too practical to believe this is even close to reality.
so i give up trying to make you see my perspective. please don't hate me.

sometimes i hate driving home.

this usually happens when i have had my cd on repeat for awhile and am no longer engaged in the music, which leaves me just to think. or more correctly, overanalyze. i do not just think about things i have done that day but i break down every stupid thing i might have said or done. its excessive and quite annoying. i'm pretty sure no one even noticed that i made some lame comment or i didn't say goodbye to someone. but i am consumed by every little flaw. i blow insignificant details into massive worries when they build on top of each other.

wow, i'm a little disgusted with myself right now. i really need to learn how to stop... i think i just care too much about the wrong things.

=]

i have a renewed faith in friendship.
AND i'm not so bitter.



i think this was a good weekend. =]

practical > individual.

so i came to this realization before my angry/bitter/other extreme emotions today, so i thought it would be a good thing to talk about.

i've figured out that i completely base my feelings around a situation, and when it comes down to it, other people. i've been asked "well what do YOU want" and i truly cannot answer that question the way they want it answered. i cannot separate my feelings from reality and decide what i would want in a perfect world. but we do not live in a perfect world, so what does it really matter? is it really sacrificing my own feelings just because my feelings depend on the situation?

i think it makes sense. you'll have to forgive my lame metaphor because i don't have the energy to think of anything better. say you liked pizza with pepperoni on top. and someone offers you pizza with pepperoni and anchovies because hey, there's still pepperoni on it, so you should like it right? no... it's completely different because now there is something new added on that you cannot even compare the two.

anyway, i better stop. in my mind this was going to sound a lot more intelligent but i'm a little out of it today so you can all just deal with my ramblings.



p.s. college = usc
=]

nothing's gonna change my world.

i'm going to the college i want to dammit.

i don't understand why i spent all these years working so hard just to settle.

dc.

so i went to washington dc with my family this spring break. overall i really liked it, i kind of reminded me of new york if new york had all the trash sucked out of it and the shopping was replaced with u.s. history.

we did all the touristy stuff from visiting the smithsonian museums (something that i actually really enjoy doing...shocker, i know) to the capitol building (where i was informed by my 7 year old sister that i was getting in the way of her hitting on the tour guide) to the vietnam wall (i never imagined how sad strangers' names etched on marble could be) to all of the monuments. (unfortunately we did not get to go to the white house easter egg roll so i cannot gloat about meeting the jonas brothers to everyone back here who actually cares) but anyway, i was definitely struck by just the sheer volume of history in this small city. almost anything that means anything to the united states is there. but even more than that i was shocked at how pretty it was, especially since most of the buildings are at least 100 years old. i have never been exposed to buildings so ornate and detailed that they took my breath away. and as much as i tried i could not fully capture that feeling on film, otherwise i would put the pictures up to prove my point. i guess it makes sense that the capital of the wealthiest nation in the world would look like that but i just was not expecting it at all.

the weirdest part was as i was admiring all this beautiful architecture all i could think of is how this is going to look to some future civilization. lame, i know. but it just seems like the washington, jefferson, lincoln, and everything else were designed to be dug up analyzed and written about in future societies like we decipher the parthenon or the pyramids. i saw all of the pristine marble crumble away and the nose or some other appendage fall off abraham lincoln. and it was all really strange, its not like i go through every day thinking what people will say about texting or tivo or britney spears or whatever else in the future (i actually don't think i've ever had one of those thoughts...) but something about dc just struck me.

it's been awhile.

i haven't posted a blog in over a month... that's a little sad. well i guess since brawl came out i have been a bit distracted haha.

i don't know what it is but i have been playing that game for nearly a month now and it still hasnt got old. i think its the fact that i finally have a chance to get good. i do not possess the innate ability to pick up a video game and be good at it. to get even decent i have to slave for hours to get to the level that some people attain in 20 minutes. but still when i beat a room full of boys it will be worth it. =]

...and those final smash trophies are GORGEOUS.

don't stop, never give up.

i wish we had another chance. we could have been really good.

i don't think i realized that i liked soccer until it was over...

i hate children.

ok, so maybe not all children. but i hate trying to teach someone who doesnt want to learn. i almost strangled three kids at work today because they refused to even attempt to do their work. but the worst part is this is not an affliction only on children. there are so many people that spend the least amount of effort to just appear like they actually care. and i know, i do this every once and awhile too. but, really, all the time? come on and grow up.

taking it one day at a time.

so i've been home from new york for almost a week and i'm still on a high from how amazing it was. i have never really been on a trip without my family (unless you count sixth grade camp haha) and it was just so much fun. running through the streets of new york in the snow, pulling clothes off of mannequins, and everything else. and it was just a taste of what college might be. speaking of college... even though it may not work out as i had planned, i'm now confident that it will be great no matter what. i'm going to make it good if i have to.
it's really strange but i'm actually having an amazing time with everything right now. i even enjoy school (gasp!). i just figure there isn't that much left and complaining isn't going to make graduation come any faster so i might as well enjoy it. i had a period of completely paralyzing fear about life in general but i think its finally passed. now im just trying to soak in every single moment.
=]

nicotine patch.

you cannot wean yourself off of anything without a replacement. otherwise you will just go running back whenever times get hard.

i'm going to stop giving advice.

because no matter how right it is, people are going to do what they want anyway. everyone just has to learn things for themselves.

official.

haha i feel like carmen posting more than one blog in a night. but i'm super excited because we officially have tickets to go to new york! i really thought it was going to be one of those things you talk about and really want to do, but then it never happens. but in exactly 2 weeks i'm going to be there.

i feel so grown up! =]

reality.

i am a very caring person (contrary to popular belief). but i'm not sure this always comes across the way i want it to. especially with my family. my parents are the people i rely on to be there for me. i expect them to be constants in my life. sometimes i forget that they are people too, in a way. i just don't know what to do when the roles are reversed and i am the one that has to be strong. and i know this is where a lot of me and my mom's problems come from.
but i have come to expect this from my mom and i'm trying to get better with dealing with it. what i really didn't know how to handle was when my dad was the weak one. to be honest i did not even want to go over to see him the day he came home. not because i didn't care, but because i didn't know how to show it. watching my dad all doped up on pain meds struggling to stand up from the couch was shocking. i don't even know how to process something like that. in that moment i realized that eventually i was going to have to become the caretaker for them. and that fact alone scares the crap out of me.

strange.

why is it that i cannot bring myself to let the people in that really want to know things about me while i feel the need to tell every unimportant detail to people who don't particularly care?
i don't know what to rely on anymore.

disneyland.

i don't think i've ever had so much fun acting like a total fool. from screaming for sleeping beauty like a tourist to be our guest (with full choreography) in line for pirates to hearing GEMMMMM SWEATERRRR echo through the parking lot... wow. and even though we totally crashed at thanh's party after, it was definitely worth the day completely free of any school related drama. thanks shawna and jillian =]

i can't think of a good title.

so formal was yesterday. it definitely had its ups and downs. pretty much everything that could have gone wrong did, but then were still some really fun (and classy) moments. when i was on the verge of a breakdown i realized something. i could just sit there and let everything bad ruin my night, or i could make myself have fun. (haha that kind of reminds me of the coffee bean story the hodges sub told us...) but i figured out i'm not always going to just be happy, sometimes i have to force the happiness until it is real. i can't be bitter forever. but that also means i might have to step up and actually face some of the things that bother me most...

rain.

wow i love the rain. seriously i think it helps me think better. i've cleared up a lot of things that i had just buried until now. me and carmen's roadside talk was pretty much amazing. hopefully something will result from it besides our decision that the world is filled with paradoxes. here are just a few: sometimes you have to break someone's heart to make things better, the most selfish thing can also be the most selfless, and stopping change is a change in itself.

i have to say i feel really good about things right now. maybe it's just that i finally got the candy cane that i had been craving for all of winter break. but i'm starting to think maybe this really is the start of a new year.
=]

2008.

so its finally 2008. its been two whole days and it still hasnt hit me. it doesn't feel like this is the year my entire life is going to change. my first breath of 2008 did not taste any different. our new years resolutions sounded like every other time i've told myself to stop being bitter or have moments of pure happiness or live every last second to the fullest. true, raghav's "to seniors" definitely got to me, but overall it was just another night. it was definitely a great night, but similar to any other great night i've ever had. i guess maybe nothing will feel different until i'm going to sleep in a dorm room somewhere... and maybe that's good. because i don't know if i'm truly ready for that much change.